Zechs's Stalker
by LeoOsaka Bakura's stalker
Summary: Just a little oneshot. Zechs has a stalker that will go to many, many, scary lengths. This goes out to all Zechs obsessed fanatics!


_Leo: A short little thing I did for a contest on deviantart XD It amused the admin of the bishie-stalker-club so I figured I'd share it.  
_

**Zechs's Stalker**

"Ah, Preventor Wind, come in." Lady Une smiled at me. I stepped into her office. I hated her office. It was stiflingly confining and her assortment of items tended to remind me of Treize and his fondness of unnecessary decorations. I still have yet to find a plausible explanation for the penguin statue he used to have on his second bookshelf. "What can I do to help you?" the Lady asked as the door closed behind me.

"I think I have a problem." I explained. "I'm starting to believe I have a stalker."

"A stalker?" Une chuckled loudly and I shot her a look.

"What's so funny?"

"You mean to tell me that you didn't think you had a stalker before? Half of the women and even some of the men around here have unnatural obsessions with you."

"No…I think this is more serious than that."

"Okay, sit down and tell me what makes you think so."

I complied and took a seat directly across from her desk. I looked over idly and almost outwardly showed my horror at the returned presence of the penguin statue. She kept it on her desk. I shook myself out of my reverie. Penguins…Augh. Terrible creatures. Almost as bad a Koalas. Of course, naturally I keep these thoughts to myself. I wouldn't be caught dead expressing myself in anything other than a collected fashion. I'm still a teenager on the inside. It's apparent, isn't it?

"Okay, I think these things because I keep receiving crazy things I shouldn't. It's not a holiday and it's not my birthday and if anyone knew about my birthday I would blame it all on you; because only you Noin and Treize knew and I threatened Treize and begged Noin not to say anything."

"I wouldn't tell anyone." She smiled coyly. "Unless they paid me well."

"You horrible fiend!"

"Now, now. What makes you think that someone isn't just being nice?"

I pulled a small card from the pocket of my jacket and held it out to her. "The card says: 'from your stalker' on it. I think that qualifies."

"And you haven't managed to trace this person? At all? I'm surprised. You're usually fantastic about it."

"I tried! But the handwriting is like worse than chicken scratch… It's articulated chicken scratch! It's so bad it's intentional! Not even Duo Maxwell could decipher the signatures left. And he writes like he has hooves so he should be able to recognize it."

"Did you try contacting Heero?"

"And get between he and Relena? No. I'll do on my own. Besides, it's not binary. It won't intrigue him."

"I have an idea, we can have you trailed. Wufei is fantastic at things like that. We'll just keep an alert eye on whoever comes in contact with you." She offered and reached for the phone. She lifted the receiver and pressed a button. "Chang, to my office please." She asked but waited for no response. I knew he would come without question. She practically has him by what little masculinity he has left. "Until we figure out what's going on with you, Mr. Popularity, I want you to stay away from field work."

"So now you're punishing me because someone wants to follow me around in secret…next you'll dock my pay or make me take up a stripper job on my weekends."

"Just think of how much your stalker would appreciate it." She laughed outright at my expense. Mean witch.

The door opened and in walked the Chinese physical form of instability. He really needs to take a rescue team up that ass of his and save that poor dying animal. It might make him a little happier too. "You called?"

"I want you to keep a close eye on Merquise for a while. We think he has a stalker and apparently this stalker is evading detection."

"You want me to hover?"

"Yes."

"I know," I snorted, "That sounds like boatloads of fun. I don't see why I can't just shoot anyone who delivers things to me and question them when they're taken off to the ER."

"Because your aim is ridiculously accurate and you would kill them with the first shot."

She's right…damn. "Fine. But I don't want it to be obvious. He can just pretend he's borrowing the desk across from mine. I've got work to do and I don't need him as a distraction on top of the stalker."

"Very well. Go along now." She shoed at me. "You'll be fine. You're a big boy now."

I stood and glared at the penguin before I turned to leave the room. When all else fails, silently curse at a penguin statue. It will make you feel better. I guarantee that. I folded my arms and Chang followed behind me. He was no happier than I was.

"So, how badly are you getting stalked?" He yawned next to me and I damned him silently because he spread the yawn disease to me.

I yawned and pulled a handful of the cards that had come into my possession. "Take your pick. Any one of them may give you nightmares."

He picked one and opened it, "'To my dearest love, the one I would sell a kidney to the black market for, the one I would cut off all of my hair and tattoo your name on my bald head, the one who makes life worthy living in an otherwise rotting and depressing world, the one who brings me joy in my darkest moment of having nothing on TV to watch and…' holy crap. This goes on for like ten paragraphs!"

"Have you read the part that says: 'I would change my sex if I found out you were gay!'?"

"I'm more amused by the: 'I would do the chicken dance naked in a Catholic church.'"

"The best one in there has to be: 'I would kick God's ass in a game of air hockey and hit Jesus with a two by four for your affections!'"

"Is this-?"

"Don't open that card. Some how they got a picture of me in the shower and wanted to show me that they could do such. I was going to shred that."

"I don't know. I could sell that to Tammy over in specials. She says she has a gay friend that would cut off a leg for a naked picture of you."

I shivered. "No…just…no." I snatched the cards back and stuffed them into my jacket pocket. Arriving at my desk I wanted to curl up and die. There was large cluster of flowers in a fancifully arranged manner. "Oh come on…I've been gone from my desk for maybe five minutes!"

"Wow…they're quick…" Wufei commented.

"Hey! YOU!" I called to the person who appeared to be a flower delivery person. Just in time to catch them before they walked out. They turned and walked back. Approaching they looked a little nervous.

"I know you said you didn't want any more sir, but it's an order and I could lose my job if I didn't…"

"I know, I know. Ignore what I said. Who sent these?"

"I don't know man. But they left a card with the flowers." He backed away with a look in the direction of the obnoxiously gay looking roses. Roses…who sends roses to guys?

Chang pulled the card and walked over. He opened the envelope himself and read it out to me. At that point I didn't care if he read it. It could have not been as bad as the one that was stained in blood. I don't even want to know what the deal with that one was. "'To my dearest obsession,' man this person is direct, 'I wish to send you a token of my affections."

"This goes beyond affections…" I growled.

"It continues… 'I wish to also say that you won't find me, love. For I am hiding. But alas, you shall always know that I am lingering somewhere. Though every once in a awhile I have to go grocery shopping. I usually do that on Thursdays so you won't have to worry about me then. But it's okay, I'm working on cameras.' Good god…this person is a loon."

"You think? Maybe I should just kill myself and get it over with…"

"Just don't borrow Heero's gun to do the job…He, apparently, never loads it."

"Broken safety feature. He can't shoot an eight year old with a gun shot wound in her chest."

"Degrading him makes you feel better doesn't?"

"You have no idea. Though he could probably figure this out in ten seconds." I sighed, "So what's the rest of it say?"

"It says, 'Until the time I meet you, darling, enjoy your surprises! For I shall sent you plenty more. Because I have no life and I've learned the pin number for my rich aunt's debit card. Oh and before I forget. Tell Preventor Chang that I said hello.'" Wufei put the card on the table slightly alarmed.

"They know who you are…"

"They know we're on to them."

After a moment I finally declared: "I'm calling Heero."

"Fantastic idea."

**The End **

* * *

_Leo: Heero will solve the case XD He's good like that. Neh, this is to be left right there because I'm lazy and don't want to continue it. Just kinda picture yourself as that fangirl. (Even though that fangirl is absolutely me.)_


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